Memories are such a strange and delicate thing. Especially the ones carefully hidden by our brains in order to protect ourselves.
I process emotions by talking or writing about them.
I have “presentable” trauma, which i can talk quiet openly or even joke about, that is known by friends.
Being open about some of what happened feels good and has made dealing with what happened and the resulting feelings easier. But it is also a neon sign that screams “fragile, handle with care”, that has lured in both predators and other survivors.
It has made me feel less alone and is one of the reasons i even began my diagnostic journey. But it has also led to a lot of pain and rather dangerous people in my life.
But I have also realised that i use this openness as a shield.
People who cannot even deal with this “presentable” trauma, shall not become ‘safe people’. the ugly, hidden, barely talked about trauma is not for the faint hearted.
Recently though, my desire to talk about these dark corners of my mind has increased.
And I don’t understand why.
A voice in my head that sounds way too much like my mum, accuses me of being an insufferable attention seeker.
I’m so torn between opening up and writing/talking about some of it and letting those memories be shadows of my past.
Online ‘anonymity’ just increases the urge to go into more detail, to lay bare parts of me that I usually, carefully hide.
Have any of you had similar feelings? What was your decision and did you regret it? Feel free to go into more details in the comments!
#actuallyautistic #trauma #memories #AuDHD #traumasurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD
(edit: @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd)
(edit 2: poll added)